Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stoned
by mindalme
Summary: a completly stupid take on harry potter . spelling mistakes are deliberate. sorry if anyone lese has used this name, but it was all we could think of


The "boy" who lived  
  
Mr and Mrs Dursley, who, lived in a cardboard box, where proud to say that they were perfectly poor, thank you very much. They were the first people you'd expect to get caught in a story like this, as they didn't hold with such nonsense. Mr Dursley made nails for a company called Nails 'R' Us. He was a small piggy man with enormous feet. Mrs Dursley was the spitting image of Colleen from Home and Away. They had an ugly little shit for a son called Dudley. The Dursleys had nothing they wanted. They also had a very big secret that everyone knew. Mrs Dursleys sister was a witch. The witch had a son called Harry. Harry ived with the dursleys cos the stupide whitch and her husband got themselves blown up by some evil dude called Squiggleymort. He k8illed the parents because a a kid in school, he had a cr5ush on lilly, the mother. But she still went and married james anyway. So he killed then in a jealous rage.  
  
Harry goes to the zooo  
  
Nearly 10 years had passed and Harry still lived at home. (what a loser) today was dudleys birthsday, so they went to the zooo. His aunt was standing outside Harry's living quaerters, the broom clodet. + are you up yet? She sceamed + what the hell do you think?! Of course not. Harry yelled back. + Well get a move on. I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn. It cost me a fortune. Harry jumped for joy. They had bacon. + what are you so happy about? The bacon isn't for you, we could only afford one piece. Outside, Dudley was thrilled. He had gotten 1 present. That was 2 more than last year. So they went to the zooo. There, they sore a snake. It was boring. And big. And it wouldn't stay still. So Harry told it to go to sleep as it was rather annoying. So the snake did. And Dudley was so fat he fell through the window. The dursleys ran away coz they could not afford to pay 4 the the broken window.  
  
Harry gets some letters  
  
Today, Harry got a letter. This was very surprising as they did not have a letter box 2 get letters in. so this was a very special occasion. - what's that?!? Said Dudley, who had never seen a letter in his entire life. + I don't know. Open it. + No! we can use this to start a fire.. But Harry opened it anywayz. It was a letter from some dude. Hogwarts school of magical stuff. Headmaster: professorhead dumblydoor sir (some looney who thinks highly of herself. Or himself..)  
  
dear mr/mrs u, we r pleased to inform u, we have a desk with ur name on it at hogwart school of majic stuff. We r very happy bout this as now we hav a grand total of 1846567884728894389547578578.§ students. Please find inclosed a list of stuff u need to bring.( for more info, consult minda's bday present.) term begins on september 11. We await ur leprecorn by no later than yesterday. Your unfortunattely, the sub head mistresss who isn't good enough to get the top job.  
  
Harry does some stuff and ends up on the school train  
  
Harry did some stuffd and ended up on the school train.  
  
The train ride  
  
On september 11, Harry took the plane, oops I mean train, and left for Hogwarts school of magic stuff. He found a new friend on the train, his name was Runt. Harry was very happy, cos he had never had friend before. Runt had a magic trick. He showed this to Harry. Moonlight, pansies, margarine strong, turn this stupidE anorexic mouse pink and orange with yellow smiley faces, green clovers, pink love harts, and clown makeup. (don't try thiss at homee) Then Harry found a card. It said: Albus Proffesorhed Dumbleydoore sdir is perhaps the most stupidE old magic person of modern times. He is particularly famous for his puplre pathetic excuse for a beard, and for his ongoing love affair with the noted archemist, Nicolas Flamel. He enjoys lots of stuff. Then Harry got to the school. He thought it looked pov, but that's just him.  
  
The magic hat that told everyone where to go  
  
This hat was singing a song. The song went something like tbhis. I know you think im beautifulll, And so you should. I'll eat myself if you can find Tomato sauce that's good. You should give me all ur cash And ur loolies too For I'm the magic talking hat Who tells everyone what to do. There's lots of stuff in ur head That I will never know But try me on and I will tell u Where u ought to go. U might belong in Gryffindoor Where no-ones very smart Their ugliness and stupidness Sets Gryffondoores apart U might belong in Huffelpuff Where they are pov and gay Those pansy hufflepuffs are blue and hate the month of May u might belong in Ravenclaw if u can read my mind where those who have a brain will always find their kind u might belong in Slytheryn where u will pay for "friends" these cunning peoples are really mean and they'll drive u round the bend. So put me on, and be afraid, be kind of afraid cos ur in my lack of hands and I cant think of any more rhyming words. So the magic hat put everyone in their houses, and they started to eat.(Harry was in gryffondooores. So was runt, and an annoying bitch called whoremyownninnny) Harry was surprised at the peanuts they had, he had never seen so much food in all of his life. Tehn they sang the school song. Hogwart, hogwart, wartty hoggy warthogs, Will u give us cheese Wheter it's mature and old, Or it's hiding keys, Our mouths could do with filling, With some cheesy stuff. For now they're bear and full of hair, Dead flies and bitts of fluff So feed us chees worth eating I forgot to bring my own So do ur best and give me some, Or else I'll start to moan.  
  
Harry learns stuff  
  
Harry went to his first class, which was mixing liquides to make new liquids, or to blow up stuff and loose all ur eyebrows. First, they had a quiz. Proffessor snap asked Harry a few questions. + what would I get if I added salt to water? + I don't know siiiir. + Lets try again. Where would u find a piece of grass? + I don't know siiiir. + One last time. What's the different between milk and cordial? + I don't know siiiir. + Well arent u the stupidE one. Salt and water maked orange juice, u find grass on the clouds and milk and cordial r exactelly the same thing, otherwise known as beer. Later at lunch, Harry was reading the paper. It said:  
  
The bank gets broken into. Today, people f8igured out that the greengoats bank got broken into. Yesterday, people went to the bank to find all the draws ransacked and one of the volts blown up. Today, they fighured out that someone had been looking for something. They belive that the breakin was committed by someone they do not recall the name, or their appearance. The volt that was blown up, was destroied beyond repare. The spokes person told us that they can not fix the broken door handle, as no one qualified eough to do so lives anywhere near here. The breakin was a success as nothing was taken. Thevolt in question belonged to the wealseys, so there was never anything in itto take. As thay r not part of the society with money. Harry was shocked by this. So was runt. The breakin person had stolen everything they owned.. Now they were doomed to a life of infiniote poveness.  
  
Harry learns to fly  
  
Today Harry got his first fairy wings. He was so happy, because he had always wanted fairy wings. He was so happy, he fainted like a girl. On his first flying lesson, Neville Shortbum, another "boy" in Harry's year, jumped off the roof to try his new fairy wings. But u see, he had a blue pair. And the blue ones don't work as good as the pink ones. Thankfully, Harry had a pair of pink fairy wings. So he was alright. Also, he wasn't quite that stupidE. He knew that to learn to fly he had to start on the first step to the castle. So he did, and he learned to fly, cos he is more of a genius than the other idiots in his class. But then some dragon dude stole some piece of crap and Harry got put in the griffondoooore quidditch team. He was a seeker, whitch meant he had nothing to do untill a little ball appeared, then he had to chase it and catch it.  
  
Harry finds a three-headed dog  
  
One day, Harry ands his "friends" Runt and whoremyownyninnny were walking throught the castle when they found a three-headed dog. It had three heads. Whoremyinowninnnnny was really scared, so she screamed and ran away. This made runt and Harry very happy. Then they realised that they were standing in front of a big, mean dog with three heads. So they screamed and ran away too. When they got back to the griyeffondooree common room, whoreymyinnnowninniey told them that the dog was garding something, cos it was standing on a trap door. + I hope ur pleased with ur selves. We could all have been killed, or worse, expelled. Now, if u don't mind, I'm going to bed. Said whoremyinnnieiwerawjkejltdhblioisdgk. Harry and runt decided to go to bed too, and they spent the night dreaming of what they were going to have for breakfast the next day.  
  
What Harry and Runt had for breakfast the next day  
  
The naxt day for breakfast, Harry and Runt had cearial on toast , with orange juice, strawberries and a shepards pie. Now they were ready to start the day.  
  
Harry starts the day (which "just happens" to be Hallowe'en)  
  
Today was hallowe'en. Harry got a hallowe'en present. It was new fairy wings for the first quidditch game. He also got a letter. Important: please open this right now. I want to see the look on peoples faces! I know everyone will want cool new fairy wings just like yours! Olive Planks will meet u on the football field tonight at midday for ur first and last quidditch lesson. So Harry opened the present and admired his brand spanking new fairy wings. They were pink, with pink fluffy stuff around the edges. But the best part was the feathers and all the glitter. Harry couldn't believe his luck. They were so prettyfullllll! So he put them on and did melinda's leprecorn dance on the table. Everyone was staring at his. They were all greeen with envy. They could not believe that Harry had gotten such prettyfulllll fairy wings. Now they all wanted a pair. He started quiddithch training, and wouldn't u know it, he was absolutelly crappo at it.  
  
Harry saves whoremyownninnnniyyyyy from a troll  
  
There was a troll in the dungeons. It nearly killed whoreiyemyieunuinnnnneiyudugjgx but lucky 4 her, Harry and Runt saved her.  
  
Harry playes his first quidditch match  
  
Today, Harry played quidditch. He won. Yay for him. Go the lions. Grifffphondoooer for the cup. Yay. Potter for president. (not that Britain actually has a president) during the game, Harry got jinxed. He nearly fell out of his fairy wings. But whoreinmyounrfoiru saved him by burning incense. Then Harry swallowed the snitch and won the game. Good for him.  
  
Harry finds a mirror  
  
Today, Harry found a mirror. It was called the Mirror of Derise, which is desire backwards. When Harry looked in the mirror, he hallucinated. Standing next to him were his parents. But his parents were dead. So Harry thought he needed some glasses. He got himself a pair of Harry Potter glasses, cos they were the most fashionable things at the moment. Now he was cool. While this was happening, Runt got in a fight with the dragon dude. But he didn't die. Then they looked for stuff on nicolas Flamel in the library, cos some old guy mentioned his name, and they thought he might have something to do with what the dog was garding. (actually, they didn't figure this out for themselves, someone had to tell them.) They looked in a book called StupidE Magical People of the 25th Century. Then they looked in a book called Notable names for ur Baby. But they didn't find anything. So they looked in Crappy Discoveries that Don't Mean Anything, and A Study of Magical Stuff that Happened. But they still didn't find anything.  
  
Harry gets a Christmas present  
  
Today was Christmas. Harry got a present. He was very happy. It was a lovely new cloak that made him go invisible. That meant that no-one could see him. This was a very good thing for Harry to get, cos he was always sneaknig out and getting caught. Theclaok had a letter attached to it. It said: I stole this from ur father before he died. His goast has been tormenting me so I think it's about bloody time I gave it to u. coz he's kind of too dead to use it now. If u don't want this, I'll be happy to have it back. For example, if it makes u dissapear, it's faulty. I've heard of these cloaks and the people who had them dissapeared forever. Happy xmass. Harry also got 50 pence from the dursleys. U can see how much they loved him. They were totally pov but they still sent him 50 pence. There was a note with that too. This note said: we love u, our favorite neffy-poo, take care and don't spend it all at once. Your aunt and uncle who miss u so much. Harry also got lolies from Runt and Whoremiyownmninnnnnnnnnnninyyyasgfrgfukehrifuehrgufkghughueghekjnvkdvkjf. So Harry had a very merry christe mass. But then, he sore a present he had missed. I don't know how he could miss it as it is the size of an elephant. It was a jumper and some lolies and some food and some tissues from mrs weasleigh. He was so happy. He had always wanted tissues but no one ever gave him some.  
  
Harry and dumblydoooor's lover  
  
Today, Harry, Runt and Whoremmmyownniunvgbufkgklninny finally figured out who nicholas flammell was. They had only been staring at it everytime they came to the common room because yes, nicholas flammel was under cover at hogwarts and was disguised as the fat lady in the portrait. Harry had gotten another dumblydooooor card and on it, the name nicholas flamell appeared. So whorembnbdfkfjierifnonninyjh got this book out and read out the bit about nicholas flammell. It aid: The ancient studie of alchemistry electroniques involves the realy hard making of the philosopher's stoned. A stupidE rock that has amazing powers. The stone will transform any metallic stuff into smoke. This is very good if u want to get rid of something. But then u get stuck with purple smoke for ages. But the stone also makes orange juice, which'll make u die tomorrow. There has been no record of such stone and the only person who has one is some dude called nicholas flammell, the nobody alchemistry and opera-lover (what a loser!) mr flammell is 47864753378 years old and his wife peaches is 837546464856765757467 years old. He lioves in a painting in hogwarts. His wife lives in her grave.  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry and more stuff happens  
  
They r a few things that happens in here but no one cares so we wont tell u about it. There was something about a dragon but nothing important.  
  
  
  
Harry and the end  
  
Harry, Runt and whorbndfhbzwmyownninnyjhgjzsdfis went of to save the philosopher's stoned. They went down the trap door after they sang a luliby to fluffy the tree headed dog that had three heads (yes, that thing had a name. Not three) and they fell in some plant stuff. The plant stuff started to attack them with swords. So they all ran away screaming like girls. Then the found this door. So they opened it. But curiosity killed the cat. Unfortunatelly, they did not die. One the other side was a key ring. They had to figure out which key would open the other door. Otherwise they were stuck right we they are. They were 2 keys on the key ring. One was small and silvery and had a numbere for the locker it opened. The other one was big and old fashioned and on it had a message engraved that said: I open the door at the end of this coridor. But Harry thought this had to be a trick so he ued the other one. It worked. So they went though the door. There was a chess board on the other side. They didn't get what they had to do so they just walked right throught it and out the other door. There, there were many bottels. Some were labled poison, some wine, some water, and one was labeled, firewalkingthroughmajicpotion. Harry, Runt and whorjkhkdfbiuefuiwefhbieeghjgber couldn't figure out whiuch one they had to use to be able to walk throught the fire. So they sat there for a day and the philosopher's stoned got away. So they cried but then they got over it and lived happily ever after.  
  
  
  
The End 


End file.
